I haven't written in a while and I actually wrote an entirely different post trying a new style, and well, I fucking hated it. I hated it so much that I would betray how I am, how I've always written, and try to conform to a far more popular prose. Oh well, it's deleted and that's that. I'll continue..
Lately I've been great, but with Fall approaching I can't help but wish a few things. I recently went back home for a week, and I always go through photos on my final days. Seeing my dad with us as kids brought back a lot of memories, but also made me realize I am approaching the age he was when he had me.
Am I ready for such a leap? I don't know. I don't think so, but the thought crosses my mind often, I try not to compare myself or my timeline with others but there's something about Fall. I can do spring, and the summer, the winter is just miserably cold but Fall always reminds me of my dad. Whether its the fact that we would spend every day after school, and every single Sunday together, or the fact that just the light rain, falling leaves, and flannel basically describes him I can't deny I struggle without him.
Being without someone is such an interesting thought. I am not he, nor he I. He wasn't around every time I moved, yet he was always able to be contacted. What I miss most is just being able to share things with him. My family and I, are all extremely different people. It's hard to realize I'm even related to them, the only person who really understood me was him, though. It's almost symbolic that I'm nearly a thousand miles from my family and the first year I did this was the hardest, because he was alive. Once he passed, being away felt so simple. I have family, yes, but I lost the one who understood me without words.
Am I ready for such a leap? I don't know. I don't think so, but the thought crosses my mind often, I try not to compare myself or my timeline with others but there's something about Fall. I can do spring, and the summer, the winter is just miserably cold but Fall always reminds me of my dad. Whether its the fact that we would spend every day after school, and every single Sunday together, or the fact that just the light rain, falling leaves, and flannel basically describes him I can't deny I struggle without him.
Being without someone is such an interesting thought. I am not he, nor he I. He wasn't around every time I moved, yet he was always able to be contacted. What I miss most is just being able to share things with him. My family and I, are all extremely different people. It's hard to realize I'm even related to them, the only person who really understood me was him, though. It's almost symbolic that I'm nearly a thousand miles from my family and the first year I did this was the hardest, because he was alive. Once he passed, being away felt so simple. I have family, yes, but I lost the one who understood me without words.
Maybe this is now my chance. Maybe the season we once shared, is something I can have for myself. I can enjoy the beauties of the falling leaves, the gentle kisses of rain, the general warmth that comes from the colder, prettier version of Spring.
It'll be two years soon, and I feel my time in NYC is coming to a close (again). Where to next? I honestly don't know, I have some thoughts, and some ideas, but I can't continue to live here, there's just nothing here for me anymore. I need to feel free, not restricted. For every 3 days I feel absolute positive energy, ready to take on everything, NYC finds at least 1-2 days to bring me down. It's a tiring city. It's an absolutely draining city, and it takes a certain type of person to make it here, emotionally. You almost have to numb yourself.
I CAN not and WILL not numb myself. I am a very spiritually and emotionally person, I believe without these key elements nothing separates us from each other. I'm actually starting to hate this post and the ramblings too.
It'll be two years soon, and I feel my time in NYC is coming to a close (again). Where to next? I honestly don't know, I have some thoughts, and some ideas, but I can't continue to live here, there's just nothing here for me anymore. I need to feel free, not restricted. For every 3 days I feel absolute positive energy, ready to take on everything, NYC finds at least 1-2 days to bring me down. It's a tiring city. It's an absolutely draining city, and it takes a certain type of person to make it here, emotionally. You almost have to numb yourself.
I CAN not and WILL not numb myself. I am a very spiritually and emotionally person, I believe without these key elements nothing separates us from each other. I'm actually starting to hate this post and the ramblings too.
I think November will be the end for me. Right in the center of your typical Fall season. I spent too much time travelling to try and find myself, when as we all know you are never truly lost. Self discovery is important, but it's only done from ones' self, not from distancing ones self from any issue that may occur. It's funny that Fall is when I always struggle, just looking at old photos and texts, September is when I start to turn downward, and it's when I'm away from home. From everyone I know, from everyone I grew up with. Fall is the familial season, and when you try to make it on your own, sometimes you do just that, fall.
I'll figure it out, I always do, but hopefully I can find some sort of permanence. Things are looking up, way up. The future is exciting, and I hold the key. But, looking back again, I noticed Fall is the easiest around loved ones, and most preferably at home, so maybe that's where I should begin..