I haven't been complete in a while. I doubt at age 26, I ever have been, but I certainly haven't felt whole in a long time. I can remember the last time. It was late August, I was riding my bike down Jamaica Avenue in queens when I had what is referred to as a sartori. Complete enlightenment. My body was immediately flush with energy and happiness.
I've read about such things and they've always sounded unbelievable but they're real. I couldn't stop smiling. This overwhelming happiness struck my body. It was honestly the best feeling I've encountered in my entire life.
I had been going through a tough summer. Home sickness was starting to come back after a short visit in July, and I was really wondering what my next move was. I had been reading a lot about mental health after worrying for my own, physically I was in excellent condition.
A lot has happened since that day. Only a short while after, I lost my aunt. A month later and two weeks before my next visit, my father passed. I think about these things often though I never show it externally. On the inside I often hurt. A lot. Last month, my cousin was murdered. A lot of you don't know about any of these three because I'm a private person. Well this is a short insight into my inner being.
I've been to three continents since my fathers passing, and was stuck in South America for my cousins procession. I've had my issues with my life, where I'm going, issues with females as well, and may have accidentally broke a heart through carelessness. It's a learning process.
Everything is about learning.
In the recent weeks I've learned so much more about myself. I've travelled a lot with no purpose. I'm searching for nothing. If I'm trying to find inner peace, why would I be looking externally? I've even met quite a few amazing people. But people don't complete you.
One thing I've always lacked is sense of self. My recent issue had been placing too much of my happiness in another person. And when we hit an issue, I didn't know how to cope.
Why do I do this? I don't know. I'm sure a lot of reasons I can't explain. Fear of being alone? No self dependence? Just... Scared?
Probably. Anyone who knows me knows I am not very self reliant, and I don't think we should be made to be. Well, I didn't.
Just now am I realizing the power of self. I've done a lot of self exploring this weekend (thanks 30+ hours on buses) and I've found so much more peace.
Some days I'm dying to find wifi to contact someone. These last few I've had no feeling. In fact, I wake up, refreshed and... Open to anything the day will bring.
I encourage everyone to try to find themselves... In themselves. I've always struggled with this. I always look to someone else for completion and not supplement. It's my greatest issue and I'm working very hard to fix it.
Edit. I wrote this on 4/18 and I feel much better. I feel great. I feel a great sense of self right now and a renewed vigor for exploration. I wasn't sure if I was going to post this or not, but I will.
Edit 2 (similar post I didn't post from two days before)
I've always been a distracted person. There's never truly been focus or order in my life. Sometimes I like that, but going forward it's not a good thing.
I can never find something to pour all my efforts into. I enjoy a lot of things, and i like to think I'm decent at many; but excellent at none.
I need to find that one thing I excel at, and love, and go with it. Make it happen. No matter how improbably it seems to make it happen, why live with regret?
How come when we do nothing wrong we play back everything in our head as if we did? As if we could change one thing, and others would fall in line?
Without suffering there is no joy. To truly understand the peaks you have to hit the bottoms. Such is life. A constant battle with our inner ego. You just have to accept your pain, stare it in the face, take it in, and release it.
I learned so much about myself this week, and remembered just how hard it is to trust someone. Do you listen to your gut or your partner? How do you know when to give in or when to fight harder (for the truth)?
Can you live without inhibitions?